


The Unwritten Rules of the Umbrella Academy

by Meilena



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Family Bonding, Pre Season 1, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 17:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18451460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meilena/pseuds/Meilena
Summary: "1. Do not enter Klaus’ room without knocking, twice. If you don’t and you enter, he will either be naked or somewhat close to it."





	The Unwritten Rules of the Umbrella Academy

Hello. My name is Vanya Hargreeves, Number Seven and I am 13. I live in the ‘extraordinary’ house of the Umbrella Academy. You may presume that we have many rules in place in our household to ensure it runs ‘smoothly.’ You’d be correct, we do in fact, have a rulebook. But there are many rules that are unwritten, and stay that way for a reason.

1\. Do not enter Klaus’ room without knocking, twice. If you don’t and you enter, he will either be naked or somewhat close to it. If you don’t want to be scarred for life, knock.

2\. Don’t undermine Luther’s ‘authority.’ He likes to feel special and important, and if you disrupt that then he will turn into a little bratty baby.

3\. Don’t go outside in the middle of the night and throw snowballs at each other, you will get hypothermia and you will get in trouble. Allison knows this from experience.

4\. Refrain from picking a fight with Diego when there is a knife in his hand. He will use it. He does not care about you or your life. 

5\. Don’t choke Klaus. He’ll get a boner and you’ll both be uncomfortable around each other for the next week. Luther tried to choke Klaus, and then after the incident happened they didn’t acknowledge each other for 13 days, 4 hours and 25 minutes.

6\. If you interrupt Five’s mathematics time or reading time, he will find a way to get you back. It will be painfully creative and you will regret being born.

7\. If you need money, do not ask Dad. Go to Klaus. No one knows where he gets it from, nobody cares.

8\. Diego has a stutter, don’t make fun of it. Luther made fun of him once and Diego reciprocated by throwing a knife and puncturing Luther’s ear.

9\. Mom gives the best hugs. 100%. If you are upset, go to Mom.

10\. Do not mention Klaus and Ben’s nightly cuddle sessions, they will be upset at you.

11\. If you’re going to steal Allison’s makeup, do it quietly. Klaus learned this the hard way and Allison rumoured him to do the macarena backwards for 3 hours.

12\. Don’t sneak out the front door, Pogo will know. Pogo sees all.


End file.
